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<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?><rss version="2.0" xmlns:dc="http://purl.org/dc/elements/1.1/" xmlns:content="http://purl.org/rss/1.0/modules/content/" xmlns:media="http://search.yahoo.com/mrss/" xmlns:atom="http://www.w3.org/2005/Atom"> <channel> <title>The Onion</title> <link>https://www.theonion.com</link> <atom:link href="https://www.theonion.com" rel="self" type="application/rss+xml"/> <description><![CDATA[America's Finest News Source.]]></description> <language>en</language> <item> <title><![CDATA[Orangutan Stuns Researchers By Using Rogaine To Fix Bald Spot]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/orangutan-stuns-researchers-by-using-rogaine-to-fix-bal-1851455362</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/17d3e60f84f1cdeae42320a8d1a20ba1.jpg"/><p>ACEH, INDONESIA—Watching in awe as the wild animal applied the medicinal product to the top of his head, primate researchers were reportedly stunned Friday after witnessing an orangutan use Rogaine to fix a bald spot. “This is the first known case of any wild animal using an over-the-counter hair loss treatment…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/orangutan-stuns-researchers-by-using-rogaine-to-fix-bal-1851455362">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>rogaine</category> <category>orangutan</category> <category>scalp</category> <category>health medical pharma</category> <category>human hair</category> <category>rogaining</category> <category>rakus</category> <category>hair loss</category> <category>vasodilators</category> <category>potassium channel openers</category> <category>amine oxides</category> <category>hair diseases</category> <category>minoxidil</category> <category>sumatran orangutan</category> <category>sophia guskin</category> <pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2024 20:01:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851455362</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/17d3e60f84f1cdeae42320a8d1a20ba1.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Arrests At Pro-Palestinian College Protests Reach 2,000 Nationally]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/arrests-at-pro-palestinian-college-protests-reach-2-000-1851454991</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>According to a tally by the Associated Press, the number of individuals arrested at college protests held in support of Palestinians in Gaza has surpassed 2,000 across 36 schools. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/arrests-at-pro-palestinian-college-protests-reach-2-000-1851454991">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>isaac corbett</category> <category>conroy hofstatter</category> <category>michelle raye</category> <category>war conflict</category> <category>politics</category> <category>religion belief</category> <category>education</category> <pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2024 17:51:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851454991</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Advisors Assure Biden This Will Blow Over Once All Gazans Dead]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/advisors-assure-biden-this-will-blow-over-once-all-gaza-1851452315</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/e15253df3b42c420f79142f794f114aa.png"/><p>WASHINGTON—As mounting campus protests and arrests over the Israel-Hamas war threatened his fragile electoral coalition, advisors to President Joe Biden assured him Friday that this would blow over once all Gazans were dead. “Just lie low, let a few thousand more bombs drop on densely populated areas, and you’re…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/advisors-assure-biden-this-will-blow-over-once-all-gaza-1851452315">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>anita dunn</category> <category>joe biden</category> <category>hamas</category> <category>houthi movement</category> <category>politics</category> <category>israelhamas war</category> <category>state of palestine</category> <pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2024 16:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851452315</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/e15253df3b42c420f79142f794f114aa.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Nation Disappointed After Biden Answers Business Call During Big Recital]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/nation-disappointed-after-biden-answers-business-call-d-1851446511</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/cc2ee4fbfbc7209b658d439f6379552b.jpg"/><p>WASHINGTON—His cell phone ringing and causing a huge distraction right as their piece began, the nation reported feeling embarrassed and devastated Friday after President Joe Biden answered a business call during their big recital. “We spent weeks practicing for the spring piano recital, and he missed our whole…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/nation-disappointed-after-biden-answers-business-call-d-1851446511">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>time person of the year</category> <category>centrism in the united states</category> <category>greg holt</category> <category>lucy</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>joe biden</category> <pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2024 16:10:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851446511</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/cc2ee4fbfbc7209b658d439f6379552b.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Annoying Teen On Train Has Girlfriend’s Whole Face In Mouth]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/annoying-teen-on-train-has-girlfriend-s-whole-face-in-m-1851439456</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/fd1660a24f6f3e5c889c5f88579f08b3.jpg"/><p>NEW YORK—With multiple eyewitnesses saying the public display of affection on a Manhattan-bound F train had gotten way out of hand, reports confirmed Friday that annoying teen Thomas Hansler had his girlfriend’s whole face in his mouth. “Ugh, if he wants to apply that much suction to her forehead, eyes, nose, mouth,…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/annoying-teen-on-train-has-girlfriend-s-whole-face-in-m-1851439456">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>ugh</category> <category>kelsey trebaum</category> <category>jonathan hansler</category> <category>thomas hansler</category> <category>sjogren syndrome</category> <pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2024 15:53:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439456</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/fd1660a24f6f3e5c889c5f88579f08b3.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Japanese Town To Build Screen Blocking Tourists’ View Of Mount Fuji]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/japanese-town-to-build-screen-blocking-tourists-view-o-1851452666</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/><p>Fujikawaguchiko, a town in Japan known for its clear view of Mount Fuji, has begun constructing a large black screen to obstruct that view in an effort to ward off tourists, saying that the town has become overrun with people blocking traffic, littering, and trespassing. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/japanese-town-to-build-screen-blocking-tourists-view-o-1851452666">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>mount fuji</category> <category>fuji</category> <category>kate butler</category> <category>fujikawaguchiko</category> <category>hospitality recreation</category> <category>justin pettis</category> <category>danny lomax</category> <pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851452666</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Taylor Swift Begins Day By Playing Video Reminding Travis Kelce Who She Is, How Long They’ve Dated]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/taylor-swift-begins-day-by-playing-video-reminding-trav-1851441681</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/d7ac49b0622678addc91b570f3112671.jpg"/><p>LEAWOOD, KS—Urging her boyfriend to calm down after he woke up and immediately began to panic, Taylor Swift reportedly began her day Friday by playing a video reminding Travis Kelce who she is and how long they’ve dated. “Hi baby, I know you don’t know who I am right now, but my name is Taylor, and I love you very…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/taylor-swift-begins-day-by-playing-video-reminding-trav-1851441681">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>travis kelce</category> <category>taylor swift</category> <category>kelce</category> <category>spokespersons</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>andy reid</category> <category>grammy</category> <category>patrick mahomes</category> <category>kansas city chiefs</category> <category>human interest</category> <pubDate>Fri, 03 May 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851441681</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/d7ac49b0622678addc91b570f3112671.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[‘Sorry I’m Late—These Protesters Were A Nightmare,’ Says Blood-Splattered, Riot-Gear-Clad Biden Entering Press Conference]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/sorry-i-m-late-these-protesters-were-a-nightmare-say-1851452676</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/56cdb24cb229a07314fe8fe0333c4c14.jpg"/><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/sorry-i-m-late-these-protesters-were-a-nightmare-say-1851452676">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>nightmare</category> <category>biden</category> <category>health medical pharma</category> <category>joe biden</category> <category>war conflict</category> <category>time person of the year</category> <category>religion belief</category> <category>centrism in the united states</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 18:55:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851452676</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/56cdb24cb229a07314fe8fe0333c4c14.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Airbnb Recreates House From ‘Up’ For Renters]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/airbnb-recreates-house-from-up-for-renters-1851452629</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>As part of a promotion for its new “Icons” category of rental properties, Airbnb recreated the floating house from the movie Up, which the company claims is a fully functional property that guests can stay in while airborne. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/airbnb-recreates-house-from-up-for-renters-1851452629">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>airbnb</category> <category>dean trautman</category> <category>enzo goodrich</category> <category>laptop</category> <category>vacation rental</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>cleveland</category> <category>peer to peer</category> <category>hospitality services</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 18:42:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851452629</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Kristi Noem Attempts To Relieve Tension From Negative Press By Squeezing Stress Dog]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/kristi-noem-attempts-to-relieve-tension-from-negative-p-1851451899</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/3b1b11d0690212608cbebe456214bfd4.jpg"/><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/kristi-noem-attempts-to-relieve-tension-from-negative-p-1851451899">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>kristi</category> <category>kristi noem</category> <category>prohibition in the united states</category> <category>human interest</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 15:45:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851451899</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/3b1b11d0690212608cbebe456214bfd4.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Trump Watching Movie On iPad During Trial Without Using Headphones]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/trump-watching-movie-on-ipad-during-trial-without-using-1851449290</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/68adc28ffee2f06913c9002de7e99fa4.jpg"/><p>NEW YORK—Resting the device on his thighs behind the defendant’s table, former President Donald Trump reportedly watched a movie on an iPad during his trial Thursday, not bothering to use headphones. As witness Keith Davidson continued his testimony this morning, several reports indicated that people in the courtroom…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/trump-watching-movie-on-ipad-during-trial-without-using-1851449290">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>ipad</category> <category>headphones</category> <category>ipad</category> <category>juan merchan</category> <category>donald trump</category> <category>thursday</category> <category>todd blanche</category> <category>prosecution of donald trump in new york</category> <category>tablet computers</category> <category>the trump organization</category> <category>keith davidson</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 14:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851449290</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/68adc28ffee2f06913c9002de7e99fa4.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Cop Too Drunk To Administer Field Sobriety Test]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/cop-too-drunk-to-administer-field-sobriety-test-1851439453</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/fdad6fcf107491c1db10f5793b4aa857.jpg"/><p>BELOIT, WI—After following a vehicle that had exited the parking lot of Hatley’s Pub and pulling it over on suspicion of drunk driving, local traffic cop Travis Hatcher was reportedly too intoxicated Thursday to administer a field sobriety test. “Hey there, Mr. Speed Racer Man…uh, do you know how fast I was—I mean you…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/cop-too-drunk-to-administer-field-sobriety-test-1851439453">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>sobriety</category> <category>drunk driving in the united states</category> <category>alcohol intoxication</category> <category>breathalyzer</category> <category>driving under the influence</category> <category>traffic stop</category> <category>travis hatcher</category> <category>impaired driving in canada</category> <category>drunk driving</category> <category>field sobriety testing</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 12:01:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439453</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/fdad6fcf107491c1db10f5793b4aa857.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Biggest Prize On Eastern European Game Show Apparently Fridge]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/biggest-prize-on-eastern-european-game-show-apparently-1851441679</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/61ea4263c0e244e552aca595aae1e72b.jpg"/><p>CHIŞINĂU, MOLDOVA—After turning on the TV in her hotel room and immediately becoming engrossed in Moldova’s most popular program, tourist Jessica Nevins confirmed Thursday that the biggest prize on an Eastern European game show was apparently a fridge. “While I don’t totally understand what’s going on, I do know the…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/biggest-prize-on-eastern-european-game-show-apparently-1851441679">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>fridge</category> <category>brixton</category> <category>jessica nevins</category> <category>the fridge</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 10:45:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851441679</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/61ea4263c0e244e552aca595aae1e72b.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Idaho Man Arrested For Kicking Bison]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/idaho-man-arrested-for-kicking-bison-1851449844</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/><p>A man from Idaho was arrested for allegedly kicking a bison, which subsequently injured him, at Yellowstone National Park while drunk, for which he now faces charges of disorderly conduct while under the influence and disturbing wildlife. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/idaho-man-arrested-for-kicking-bison-1851449844">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>bison</category> <category>yellowstone national park</category> <category>zishan howell</category> <category>kristi felix</category> <category>elmer kirkpatrick</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 10:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851449844</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Not For Sale]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/not-for-sale-1851449293</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/88442ea90c6985c3a6fb79e5386f6298.png"/><p>This modest two-bedroom, one-and-a-half bath starter home is not for sale. Please stop knocking on our door and asking to buy it.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/not-for-sale-1851449293">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>please</category> <category>business finance</category> <category>bath somerset</category> <category>crackers international</category> <category>starter home</category> <category>residential real estate</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851449293</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/88442ea90c6985c3a6fb79e5386f6298.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Buttigieg Distracts Americans With Speech While DOT Steals Nation’s Catalytic Converters]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/buttigieg-distracts-americans-with-speech-while-dot-ste-1851446404</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/2b75943efef54ec5d9f70340f40f9a7a.png"/><p>WASHINGTON—Speaking slowly in an effort to draw out his remarks during a televised address, Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg reportedly distracted the U.S. populace with a speech Thursday while his department stole the nation’s catalytic converters to sell on the black market. According to insiders, Buttigieg’s…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/buttigieg-distracts-americans-with-speech-while-dot-ste-1851446404">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>buttigieg</category> <category>pete buttigieg</category> <category>catalytic converter</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>united states secretary of transportation</category> <pubDate>Thu, 02 May 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851446404</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/2b75943efef54ec5d9f70340f40f9a7a.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Biden Administration To Reclassify Marijuana]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/biden-administration-to-reclassify-marijuana-1851449827</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>The Drug Enforcement Administration is expected to approve a rescheduling of marijuana, which is currently categorized with Schedule I drugs such as LSD and heroin, to Schedule III alongside Tylenol and steroids, which would allow it to be purchased nationwide. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/biden-administration-to-reclassify-marijuana-1851449827">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>biden</category> <category>tylenol</category> <category>grant winter</category> <category>in science</category> <category>controlled substances act</category> <category>mind control</category> <category>winter</category> <category>counterculture of the 1960s</category> <category>huxley pollard</category> <category>lsd</category> <category>presidency of joe biden</category> <category>entheogens</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 19:48:35 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851449827</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Best Practices For Policing Protests]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/best-practices-for-policing-protests-1851449461</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9ee9c8cecc948f17e831e57476a93d4d.png"/><p>While police are well trained to shoot unarmed civilians, plant evidence, and file for overtime, dealing with larger-scale events like arresting several hundred college students can be more daunting. The following are the best practices law enforcement should follow when clearing political protests and demonstrations.<br/></p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/best-practices-for-policing-protests-1851449461">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>national security</category> <category>war conflict</category> <category>public safety</category> <category>police</category> <category>security</category> <category>crime prevention</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 18:13:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851449461</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9ee9c8cecc948f17e831e57476a93d4d.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Tesla Lays Off Entire Team Behind Brakes]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/tesla-lays-off-entire-team-behind-brakes-1851449223</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/775b9e6bd4960501c1668dda703a13ea.png"/><p>AUSTIN, TX—In the latest round of layoffs for the company’s struggling automotive division, electric vehicle manufacturer Tesla fired the entire team behind brakes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “As we continue to rightsize the Tesla workforce, we have come to the decision that stopping the car is no longer a critical…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/tesla-lays-off-entire-team-behind-brakes-1851449223">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>nikola tesla</category> <category>tesla inc</category> <category>labor</category> <category>elon musk</category> <category>criticism of tesla inc</category> <category>tesla autopilot</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 17:40:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851449223</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/775b9e6bd4960501c1668dda703a13ea.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Trump Boys Bake Dad Cake With Gavel Hidden Inside]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/trump-boys-bake-dad-cake-with-gavel-hidden-inside-1851443925</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/f22faf62dba39df6fb44ff985bce9c5f.jpg"/><p>NEW YORK—Interrupting testimony as they walked straight up to the former president mid-trial, the Trump boys baked a cake for their father with a gavel hidden inside, court room sources confirmed Wednesday. “We think you’ll find this cake very yummy and full of law hammers,” Donald Trump, Jr. said with a wink as his…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/trump-boys-bake-dad-cake-with-gavel-hidden-inside-1851443925">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>cake</category> <category>eric trump</category> <category>european cuisine</category> <category>world cuisine</category> <category>donald trump</category> <category>law crime</category> <category>donald trump jr</category> <category>desserts</category> <category>jr</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 11:52:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851443925</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/f22faf62dba39df6fb44ff985bce9c5f.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Horny Weatherman Recommends Bringing White T-Shirt In Case Of Rain]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/horny-weatherman-recommends-bringing-white-t-shirt-in-c-1851443869</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/ea6cfcaab710306dd8af77f4ffa41ce5.jpg"/><p>SACRAMENTO, CA—In a daily forecast that took note of a warm front moving into the area with a hot, damp mass of air, horny television meteorologist Troy Pruett advised local residents to bring a white T-shirt Wednesday in case it rained. “We expect these rain showers to continue all afternoon and into the evening, so…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/horny-weatherman-recommends-bringing-white-t-shirt-in-c-1851443869">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>horny</category> <category>t shirt</category> <category>shirt</category> <category>casual wear</category> <category>lingerie</category> <category>troy pruett</category> <category>warrant</category> <category>womens clothing</category> <category>undergarments</category> <category>canadian fashion</category> <category>breast</category> <category>clothing</category> <category>bra</category> <category>nipple</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 11:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851443869</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/ea6cfcaab710306dd8af77f4ffa41ce5.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Congress Passes Opioid Crisis Legislation After Addict Cousin Steals Their Xbox]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/congress-passes-opioid-crisis-legislation-after-addict-1851439491</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/93a13cca15e04ef72d740fd04bb2e46a.png"/><p>WASHINGTON—Calling the theft a profound wake-up call amid a nationwide epidemic of drug abuse, Congress passed bipartisan legislation to address the opioid crisis Wednesday after their addict cousin Clem stole their Xbox Series X. “Today, we stand up and say enough is enough to our fentanyl-abusing shitheel of a…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/congress-passes-opioid-crisis-legislation-after-addict-1851439491">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>opioid epidemic</category> <category>gamestop</category> <category>fentanyl</category> <category>xbox series x and series s</category> <category>home video game consoles</category> <category>politics</category> <category>steve scalise</category> <category>xbox one</category> <category>clem</category> <category>leeanne</category> <category>biden</category> <category>burger king</category> <category>social issues</category> <category>xbox 360</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 11:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439491</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/93a13cca15e04ef72d740fd04bb2e46a.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Friend From Red State Fondly Recalls Beloved Grade School Tradition Called ‘Slave Days’]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/friend-from-red-state-fondly-recalls-beloved-grade-scho-1851430838</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/76b8f4ddc2b1d0ec3a17e0c698e04374.png"/><p>LOS ANGELES—Sharing horrifying and riveting tales with friends who did not grow up in the Midwest, local 29-year-old Iris Pearson fondly recalled a beloved grade school tradition called “Slave Days” this week, according to sources. “Oh, man, Slave Days were the best part of fifth grade–I think at one point I had over…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/friend-from-red-state-fondly-recalls-beloved-grade-scho-1851430838">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>beloved</category> <category>beloved grade school tradition</category> <category>slavery</category> <category>iris pearson</category> <category>masterslave</category> <category>education</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 11:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851430838</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/76b8f4ddc2b1d0ec3a17e0c698e04374.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[CDC Investigating Illnesses Linked To Counterfeit Botox]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/cdc-investigating-illnesses-linked-to-counterfeit-botox-1851446949</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/><p>According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 19 people across the U.S. have been sickened by counterfeit Botox, with patients presenting botulism-like symptoms, a potentially fatal illness in which the toxin attacks the body’s nerves. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/cdc-investigating-illnesses-linked-to-counterfeit-botox-1851446949">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>counterfeit</category> <category>milo reeve</category> <category>neurotoxins</category> <category>botulism</category> <category>calista medrano</category> <category>centers for disease control and prevention</category> <category>botulinum toxin</category> <category>placard</category> <category>rylan wills</category> <category>health medical pharma</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 10:45:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851446949</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[White Person Way Too Proud Of Using WhatsApp]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/white-person-way-too-proud-of-using-whatsapp-1851441678</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/c2dc75ef2da58d337ed4382a985afa24.jpg"/><p>CANTON, OH—Responding with the excitement of someone who appeared to genuinely believe they were some kind of outlier, local white person Hannah Michaels seemed way too proud that she was using WhatsApp, sources reported Wednesday. “Oh my gosh, of course I use WhatsApp—I’ve actually had it for years, since I studied…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/white-person-way-too-proud-of-using-whatsapp-1851441678">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>whatsapp</category> <category>gosh</category> <category>hannah michaels</category> <category>instant messaging clients</category> <category>miguel</category> <category>diana</category> <category>mobile applications</category> <category>oh my gosh</category> <category>cross platform software</category> <category>oh my gosh</category> <category>communication software</category> <category>social media</category> <category>francisco</category> <category>imessage</category> <category>javier</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 10:30:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851441678</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/c2dc75ef2da58d337ed4382a985afa24.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Teachers Explain Why They Need To Carry Guns In The Classroom]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/teachers-explain-why-they-need-to-carry-guns-in-the-cla-1851439531</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/6e39d2f26fb63e39381f7bb47fe6a152.png"/><p>In addition to being underpaid for teaching their lessons, providing childcare, and serving as mentors to the next generation, teachers are also underpaid for protecting their students from armed assailants. The Onion asked teachers why they need to be able to carry guns in the classroom, and this is what they said.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/teachers-explain-why-they-need-to-carry-guns-in-the-cla-1851439531">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>uvalde school shooting</category> <category>doug christian</category> <category>mass shootings in the united states</category> <category>tom roskin</category> <category>mariana mcgreevy</category> <category>drew kim</category> <category>veracruz</category> <category>cassandra poole</category> <category>arming teachers</category> <category>erin lockwood</category> <category>sarah bucharron</category> <category>sampson</category> <category>shawn grant</category> <category>tina ruiz</category> <category>rage</category> <category>peter huspin</category> <category>beth van plinter</category> <category>grant palmer</category> <category>benjamin hines</category> <category>education</category> <category>quentin adams</category> <category>school shooting</category> <category>michael lamb</category> <category>ryan dipalermo</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 10:15:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439531</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/6e39d2f26fb63e39381f7bb47fe6a152.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Catch-As-Catch-Vatican]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/catch-as-catch-vatican-1851446255</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/28724bf0741167a657e22ec5382f7df6.png"/><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/catch-as-catch-vatican-1851446255">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>vatican</category> <category>sports</category> <category>of exorcisms and certain supplications</category> <category>hospitality recreation</category> <category>optatam totius</category> <pubDate>Wed, 01 May 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851446255</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/28724bf0741167a657e22ec5382f7df6.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Rick Scott Celebrates Abortion Ban By Cutting Umbilical Cord Of Woman Forced To Carry Baby To Term]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/rick-scott-celebrates-abortion-ban-by-cutting-umbilical-1851446955</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/feeb4341c6f665269a3f3775ada7736c.jpg"/><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/rick-scott-celebrates-abortion-ban-by-cutting-umbilical-1851446955">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>umbilical cord</category> <category>abortion</category> <category>umbilical</category> <category>rick scott</category> <category>environment</category> <category>cloning</category> <category>omphalotomy</category> <category>childbirth</category> <category>navel</category> <category>stem cells</category> <category>embryology</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>abortion in the united states</category> <pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2024 19:18:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851446955</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/feeb4341c6f665269a3f3775ada7736c.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Kristi Noem Defends Killing Her Dog]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/kristi-noem-defends-killing-her-dog-1851446716</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>Gov. Kristi Noem (R-SC) defended killing her 14-month-old dog, Cricket, after the anecdote was leaked from her upcoming memoir, saying that the dog was “untrainable” and “tough decisions like this happen all the time on a farm.” What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/kristi-noem-defends-killing-her-dog-1851446716">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>kristi</category> <category>kristi noem</category> <category>harley villanueva</category> <category>romario langley</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>dilara hook</category> <pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2024 18:13:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851446716</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Cozy Single Unit]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/cozy-single-unit-1851446082</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9f5506400b1e7819ff6f4bd83bd182d0.png"/><p>Peace and quiet abound in this move-in ready subterranean unit within a serene, gated community. Professional landscaping included.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/cozy-single-unit-1851446082">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>access control</category> <category>security engineering</category> <category>cozy game</category> <category>peace</category> <category>quiet</category> <category>gated community</category> <pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2024 15:58:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851446082</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9f5506400b1e7819ff6f4bd83bd182d0.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Report: Americans Lead World In Identifying Which One They Want]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/report-americans-lead-world-in-identifying-which-one-t-1851439490</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/c490adce849d5ec621405b512b4e32fe.png"/><p>WASHINGTON—A new report released Tuesday by the Pew Research Center found that the American people still lead the world in identifying precisely which of them they want. “Our findings suggest that U.S. citizens tower above their peers when it comes to pointing out which one they want off the shelf and how many…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/report-americans-lead-world-in-identifying-which-one-t-1851439490">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>samuel levin</category> <pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2024 12:04:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439490</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/c490adce849d5ec621405b512b4e32fe.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[New Tinder Ad Tells Lapsed Users They Will Come Back To App Like Dog To Its Own Vomit]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/new-tinder-ad-tells-lapsed-users-they-will-come-back-to-1851438597</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/0790d5e306f6bfffbcf345c22861d49b.png"/><p>LOS ANGELES—In a bold new campaign aimed at reversing recent declines in monthly subscribers, a new Tinder ad reportedly told lapsed users this week that they will come back to the dating app like a dog to its own vomit. “Just as a fool to their own folly, you will return to your own retchings and happily lap them…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/new-tinder-ad-tells-lapsed-users-they-will-come-back-to-1851438597">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>tinder</category> <category>vomiting</category> <category>dating app</category> <category>geosocial networking</category> <category>faye iosotaluno</category> <category>iac</category> <category>online dating applications</category> <category>technology internet</category> <pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2024 12:03:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851438597</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/0790d5e306f6bfffbcf345c22861d49b.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[National Park Visitors Treated To Majestic Sight Of Crow Eating Napkin]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/national-park-visitors-treated-to-majestic-sight-of-cro-1851432344</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8bcdbd2048e0058fb8fa95933521afaa.jpg"/><p>GRAND CANYON VILLAGE, AZ—Awestruck as they watched the creature scarf down the grease-stained paper product, visitors at Grand Canyon National Park were reportedly treated to the majestic sight of a crow eating a napkin Tuesday. “Shh, kids, quiet—we don’t want to scare him off,” said tourist Pierre Boulard, who took…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/national-park-visitors-treated-to-majestic-sight-of-cro-1851432344">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>napkin</category> <category>edie</category> <category>grand canyon national park</category> <category>linens</category> <category>pierre boulard</category> <category>wendy</category> <category>crow people</category> <category>canyon</category> <category>hospitality recreation</category> <category>grand canyon</category> <category>human interest</category> <pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2024 12:02:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851432344</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8bcdbd2048e0058fb8fa95933521afaa.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Coachella Organizers Announce Plans To Extend Festival To 52 Weekends A Year]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/coachella-organizers-announce-plans-to-extend-festival-1851439455</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/3c71866e2cddcdbcee773cce66fd6355.png"/><p>INDIO, CA—Saying it was time to build upon the music and arts festival’s two-decade track record of success, organizers for Coachella announced plans Tuesday to extend the event to 52 weekends a year. “Doing two weekends annually has been great, but to really maximize the festival’s potential, we’ve decided to add…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/coachella-organizers-announce-plans-to-extend-festival-1851439455">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>coachella</category> <category>jon batiste</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>lauren porter</category> <category>indio california</category> <category>calvin harris</category> <category>harry styles</category> <category>megan thee stallion</category> <category>brockhampton</category> <category>coachella valley</category> <category>grimes</category> <category>childish gambino</category> <category>anschutz corporation</category> <pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2024 12:01:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439455</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/3c71866e2cddcdbcee773cce66fd6355.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[What Biden Can Do To Win Over Gen Z]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/what-biden-can-do-to-win-over-gen-z-1851427528</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9ea49fbe5e747a044729d46e585e55bc.png"/><p>Although the youth vote was integral in his victory against Donald Trump in the 2020 election, Joe Biden’s approval ratings have tanked amongst 18-to-27-year-olds. If President Biden is interested in winning back Gen Z voters, he’ll have to do the following things.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/what-biden-can-do-to-win-over-gen-z-1851427528">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>all</category> <category>edith piaf</category> <category>joe biden</category> <category>la vie en rose</category> <category>donald trump</category> <category>generation z</category> <category>time person of the year</category> <category>centrism in the united states</category> <category>biden biting</category> <category>dave buster</category> <category>jill biden</category> <pubDate>Tue, 30 Apr 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851427528</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9ea49fbe5e747a044729d46e585e55bc.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Columbia University Gives Students Option To Finish Classes From Prison]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/columbia-university-gives-students-option-to-finish-cla-1851443862</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/80dfbbbbdc30dd4b96983f77fb0972f4.jpg"/><p>NEW YORK—Emphasizing that it was their only option amid the rampant protests that had erupted on campus, Columbia University announced Monday that it had given students the option to finish classes from prison. “Given the current political turmoil and the many safety hazards it poses, all current students will be…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/columbia-university-gives-students-option-to-finish-cla-1851443862">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>columbia university</category> <category>department for international development</category> <category>rikers island</category> <category>international monetary fund</category> <category>education</category> <category>minouche shafik</category> <category>morningside heights manhattan</category> <pubDate>Mon, 29 Apr 2024 20:20:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851443862</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/80dfbbbbdc30dd4b96983f77fb0972f4.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Nation’s White Women Announce They Have New Perspective On Paris Hilton]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-white-women-announce-they-have-new-perspective-1851441682</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/66f3ef10070b7ae4f435048e66688b6d.jpg"/><p>WASHINGTON—Saying they’d learned a lot about her life and the adversities she’d faced over the years, the nation’s white women announced Monday that they had a new perspective on socialite and media personality Paris Hilton. “After many difficult, arduous hours spent reflecting on our own deeply held biases and…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/nation-s-white-women-announce-they-have-new-perspective-1851441682">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>paris hilton</category> <category>hilton</category> <category>paris</category> <category>carly strong</category> <category>the simple life</category> <category>american people of german descent</category> <category>the cut</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>social issues</category> <pubDate>Mon, 29 Apr 2024 18:40:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851441682</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/66f3ef10070b7ae4f435048e66688b6d.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Taylor Swift Fan Convinced Artist Purposefully Released Big Dud As Commentary On Music Industry]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/taylor-swift-fan-convinced-artist-purposefully-released-1851439384</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/2e9f2e4a343f9e257161347a8633d416.jpg"/><p>NEW HAVEN, CT—Saying the singer-songwriter clearly had ulterior motives when she made The Tortured Poets Department, local Taylor Swift fan Fiona Johnson told reporters Monday the artist had purposefully released a big dud as a commentary on the music industry. “Although at first glance, it looks as though Taylor…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/taylor-swift-fan-convinced-artist-purposefully-released-1851439384">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>taylor swift</category> <category>fan</category> <category>swift fan fiona johnson</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>fiona johnson</category> <category>red</category> <category>time person of the year</category> <category>travis kelce</category> <category>albatross</category> <category>i</category> <category>american people of german descent</category> <pubDate>Mon, 29 Apr 2024 16:55:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439384</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/2e9f2e4a343f9e257161347a8633d416.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Teacher Forced To Pay For Students’ Plan B Out Of Pocket]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/teacher-forced-to-pay-for-students-plan-b-out-of-pocke-1851439007</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9b22e37903992b8972ca0af3e9ab8e52.jpg"/><p>FINDLAY, OH—Expressing frustration with the pressures of working in an underfunded public high school, local teacher Jason Corgenne told reporters Monday that he was forced to pay out of pocket just so his students could have access to the emergency contraception drug Plan B. “If we don’t have morning-after pills in…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/teacher-forced-to-pay-for-students-plan-b-out-of-pocke-1851439007">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>teacher</category> <category>condom</category> <category>birth control</category> <category>emergency contraception</category> <category>prevention of hivaids</category> <category>hivaids</category> <category>jason corgenne</category> <category>education</category> <category>hormonal contraception</category> <category>sexual health</category> <category>penis</category> <pubDate>Mon, 29 Apr 2024 16:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439007</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/9b22e37903992b8972ca0af3e9ab8e52.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Biden Sets Aside Land West Of Mississippi As Gluten-Free Zone]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/biden-sets-aside-land-west-of-mississippi-as-gluten-fre-1851438055</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8a2fb88f54bd853d86b7b89add6a1c6c.jpg"/><p>WASHINGTON—Calling the effort a major step forward in accommodating the needs of allergic citizens, President Joe Biden announced Monday his plan to set aside all land west of the Mississippi River as a gluten-free zone. “Today, my administration is taking immediate action to purge this grain-based scourge from…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/biden-sets-aside-land-west-of-mississippi-as-gluten-fre-1851438055">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>gluten</category> <category>nutrition</category> <category>staple foods</category> <category>crops</category> <category>barley</category> <category>coeliac disease</category> <category>wheat</category> <category>gluten sensitivity</category> <category>joe biden</category> <category>wheat allergy</category> <category>rye</category> <category>autoimmune diseases</category> <pubDate>Mon, 29 Apr 2024 11:45:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851438055</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/8a2fb88f54bd853d86b7b89add6a1c6c.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[‘Bluey’ Praised For Tackling Difficult Subject Of Walking In On Parents During Their Scheduled Weekly Sex]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/bluey-praised-for-tackling-difficult-subject-of-walki-1851430794</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/c340a9afbe2425b275498c23360296dc.png"/><p>NEW YORK—Earning widespread praise from adult viewers, a new episode of the animated children’s TV series Bluey tackled the difficult subject of walking in on your parents during their scheduled weekly sex, sources confirmed Monday. “We watch Bluey every week as a family, and I tell you, when Bandit sat Bluey down to…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/bluey-praised-for-tackling-difficult-subject-of-walki-1851430794">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>bluey</category> <category>sean fraser</category> <pubDate>Mon, 29 Apr 2024 11:44:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851430794</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/c340a9afbe2425b275498c23360296dc.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Americans Explain Why We Should Call The National Guard On College Protesters]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/americans-explain-why-we-should-call-the-national-guard-1851433089</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/e77238268278a56070eda1920128c145.png"/><p>In response to growing antiwar protests at American universities, including Columbia, Yale, and MIT, some outspoken critics have demanded the U.S. military take action. The Onion asked Americans why they believe the National Guard should be called on students, and this is what they said.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/americans-explain-why-we-should-call-the-national-guard-1851433089">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>rodney leflet</category> <category>houston patton</category> <category>althea roman</category> <category>kyle egert</category> <category>malley</category> <category>war conflict</category> <category>roger white</category> <category>gaza</category> <category>artie schiff</category> <category>vik patel</category> <category>anjula batra</category> <category>matthew kirberger</category> <category>paul linetti</category> <category>jeffrey garron</category> <category>jerry</category> <category>greta davies</category> <category>bethany flores</category> <category>rachel weinberger</category> <category>sarah moore</category> <category>mark hernandez</category> <pubDate>Mon, 29 Apr 2024 10:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851433089</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/e77238268278a56070eda1920128c145.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Airlines Now Required To Refund Canceled Or Delayed Flights In Cash]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/airlines-now-required-to-refund-canceled-or-delayed-fli-1851439065</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/><p>The Transportation Department issued a new rule requiring airlines provide customers with automatic cash refunds in the event of flight cancellations or significant delays, saving passengers a projected $500 million in the next year. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/airlines-now-required-to-refund-canceled-or-delayed-fli-1851439065">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>andre acconcia</category> <category>business finance</category> <category>marge nesbitt</category> <category>flight cancellation and delay</category> <category>lester farooq</category> <category>airline</category> <category>airline tickets</category> <category>us airways</category> <pubDate>Fri, 26 Apr 2024 17:49:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851439065</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/a1glirmtpgnnrgkq96yv.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Mom Pretty Jealous Of All The Dick Teenage Daughter Going To Pull With Those Highlights]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/mom-pretty-jealous-of-all-the-dick-teenage-daughter-goi-1851422826</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/6da1fdd74aced91b02051f1aca448ccd.jpg"/><p>NEW GLARUS, WI—Tsking her tongue with envy as she put the finishing touches on her teen’s at-home hairstyling, local mom Sandra Bennett told reporters Friday that she was pretty jealous of all the dick her daughter was going to pull with those highlights. “Honestly, I’m happy knowing what these dirty blond…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/mom-pretty-jealous-of-all-the-dick-teenage-daughter-goi-1851422826">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>sandra bennett</category> <category>education</category> <category>claires</category> <category>cassie</category> <pubDate>Fri, 26 Apr 2024 17:40:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851422826</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/6da1fdd74aced91b02051f1aca448ccd.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[U.S. Bans TikTok]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/u-s-bans-tiktok-1851438524</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/><p>President Biden signed a bill into law banning TikTok nationwide unless the Chinese company that owns it, ByteDance, sells its stake in the app within a year. What do you think?</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/u-s-bans-tiktok-1851438524">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>tiktok</category> <category>tiktok</category> <category>lochlan robin</category> <category>bytedance</category> <category>rowena marriott</category> <category>biden</category> <category>asma harding</category> <category>vertical video</category> <category>bytedance</category> <category>video software</category> <category>internet censorship in india</category> <category>topiary</category> <pubDate>Fri, 26 Apr 2024 15:46:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851438524</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/abwm6w3prjmdcyvoqfxn.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Heart Transplant Recipient Walks Daughter Of Deceased Donor Pig Down Aisle]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/heart-transplant-recipient-walks-daughter-of-deceased-d-1851423521</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/5d54b6075350e00931e63d957598fe40.jpg"/><p>CHICAGO—Standing with the bride amid joyful tears from all present, heart transplant recipient Ronald Huger recently honored a dying wish from his donor when he walked the late pig’s daughter down the aisle at her wedding, sources confirmed Friday. “Your father wrote a letter before he passed away asking that whoever…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/heart-transplant-recipient-walks-daughter-of-deceased-d-1851423521">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>heart transplantation</category> <category>organ transplantation</category> <category>ronald huger</category> <category>hamsworth</category> <category>huger</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>cardiac surgery</category> <pubDate>Fri, 26 Apr 2024 15:25:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851423521</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/5d54b6075350e00931e63d957598fe40.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Women Explain Why They Are Attracted To Walton Goggins’ Character In ‘Fallout’]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/women-explain-why-they-are-attracted-to-walton-goggins-1851432497</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/793940a2c9533503c198a11d626a5e90.png"/><p>Recent reports have indicated that a number of female fans are thirsting over the Ghoul. The Onion asked women to explain why they are attracted to Walton Goggins’ mutant character in the new TV series Fallout, and this is what they said.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/women-explain-why-they-are-attracted-to-walton-goggins-1851432497">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>fallout</category> <category>goggins</category> <category>walton</category> <category>christina yates</category> <category>could never</category> <category>films</category> <category>whitney estes</category> <category>mercedes mclane</category> <category>julie winchester</category> <category>harper young</category> <category>freddy krueger</category> <category>joanna gold</category> <category>teresa parman</category> <category>human interest</category> <category>the ghoul</category> <category>jessica hamilton</category> <category>amazon</category> <category>emily parker</category> <category>rachel lopez</category> <category>alexis griffin</category> <category>ava carter</category> <category>antonia salazar</category> <category>nina zeller</category> <category>maya reid</category> <category>ronald reagan</category> <category>casey levy</category> <category>holly thomas</category> <category>loretta poole</category> <category>joelle scott</category> <category>jaclyn roofner</category> <category>ghoul</category> <category>hope austin</category> <category>sonya koch</category> <category>sophia bennett</category> <pubDate>Fri, 26 Apr 2024 12:21:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851432497</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/793940a2c9533503c198a11d626a5e90.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Eco-Friendly Home]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/eco-friendly-home-1851435302</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/61737f94c7951c2640782ac9813d3b91.png"/><p>This uniquely shaped home made of bio-based materials hangs from the eaves of someone else’s garage so you won’t have to pay any property taxes. Must share with thousands of current residents.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/eco-friendly-home-1851435302">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>real property law</category> <category>property tax</category> <category>environmentally friendly</category> <category>hospitality recreation</category> <category>property</category> <pubDate>Fri, 26 Apr 2024 12:20:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851435302</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/61737f94c7951c2640782ac9813d3b91.png"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Mall Still Hasn’t Removed Rotting Santa Claus]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/mall-still-hasn-t-removed-rotting-santa-claus-1851423144</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/32f60c6740b403c40924074c2275bff6.jpg"/><p>WICHITA, KS—Complaining that the holidays had ended four months ago, annoyed local shoppers told reporters Friday that Towne West Square still hadn’t removed its now-rotting Santa Claus from a seasonal display in the mall. “He looked nice when they first put him there, right after Thanksgiving, but now that he’s all…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/mall-still-hasn-t-removed-rotting-santa-claus-1851423144">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>santa claus</category> <category>carla greene</category> <category>christian folklore</category> <category>santa s</category> <category>hospitality recreation</category> <pubDate>Fri, 26 Apr 2024 12:11:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851423144</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/32f60c6740b403c40924074c2275bff6.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Give Us $1 Or ‘The Onion’ Disappears Forever]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/give-us-1-or-the-onion-disappears-forever-1851436787</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/ac6311feb3552b57f23108f005cb0f0b.jpg"/><p>Today, billions of readers like yourself navigated to The Onion seeking dispatches from America’s Finest News Source. Like so many have done through the decades, you doubtless entered the hyperlink in a glazed stupor, hoping to see reporting of grave importance. However, today, this was not to be. You see, The Onion is…</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/give-us-1-or-the-onion-disappears-forever-1851436787">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>the onion</category> <category>fusion media group</category> <category>damocles</category> <category>onions</category> <category>tor</category> <category>human interest</category> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Apr 2024 22:00:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851436787</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/ac6311feb3552b57f23108f005cb0f0b.jpg"/> </item> <item> <title><![CDATA[Pros And Cons Of Using The Passive Voice In Journalism]]></title> <link>https://www.theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-using-the-passive-voice-in-journalism-1851432926</link> <description><![CDATA[<img class="type:primaryImage" src="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/de07fde57a6fece5ae8735f1317977d4.jpg"/><p>Rather than specify that a government, army, or police officer killed civilians, many news outlets prefer merely to say that those civilians “were killed.” The Onion investigates the pros and cons of using the passive voice in journalism.</p><p><a href="https://www.theonion.com/pros-and-cons-of-using-the-passive-voice-in-journalism-1851432926">Read more...</a></p>]]></description> <category>pros</category> <category>pros and cons</category> <category>voice</category> <category>con</category> <category>entertainment culture</category> <category>the onion</category> <pubDate>Thu, 25 Apr 2024 18:40:00 GMT</pubDate> <guid isPermaLink="false">1851432926</guid> <dc:creator><![CDATA[]]></dc:creator> <media:thumbnail url="https://i.kinja-img.com/image/upload/c_fit,q_80,w_636/de07fde57a6fece5ae8735f1317977d4.jpg"/> </item> </channel></rss>If you would like to create a banner that links to this page (i.e. this validation result), do the following:
Download the "valid RSS" banner.
Upload the image to your own server. (This step is important. Please do not link directly to the image on this server.)
Add this HTML to your page (change the image src attribute if necessary):
If you would like to create a text link instead, here is the URL you can use:
http://www.feedvalidator.org/check.cgi?url=http%3A//www.theonion.com/feeds/onn/
